Sunday, May 5th 2019

 "I know that some people find comfort in believing that God’s sovereignty, His plan for all things, is behind their suffering and grief. It gives meaning to our grief, I get that. But I don’t think it’s true. In fact, I think that’s a crappy thing to say and a crappy thing to believe about God. God’s sovereignty is not an excuse or a reason for the bad things to happen in our lives: God is light, and there is not darkness in Him. No one will ever convince me that God made my babies die or that God killed our friend with cancer or that a hurricane is an act of God as a punishment for sin. Instead, I think sovereignty is a promise that it will all be healed in the end. Sovereignty means that all will be held. That God is at work to bring redemption and reconciliation, that somehow at the end of all things, we don't escape from the goodness that pursues us, the life we are promised, the love that redeems." 

-Sarah Bessey, Out of Sorts

With the passing of my friend Jane Lin and author Rachel Held Evans I have found myself lamenting. I have been angry and frustrated, asking the ageless questions "Why did this happen? Did God do this? Is there even a God?"

Last night in our living room I lit a candle and simply let myself feel the agony and grief of loss. Robbie offered to read the Prayer for the Departed from the Book of Common Prayer and together we processed the death of Jane and Rachel. 

Eternal Lord God, you hold all souls in life: Give to your
whole Church in paradise and on earth your light and your
peace; and grant that we, following the good examples of
those who have served you here and are now at rest, may at
the last enter with them into your unending joy; through
Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you, in the
unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.

I'm learning to allow myself to feel the grief, a feeling I have had little exposure to in my generally positive and joy-filled lifetime. Sarah Bessey again

"I am learning that it is okay to feel sad and to be angry, to long for rescue and redemption, to pray and shout and cry, to weep with those who weep....Sometimes the most holy work we can do is listen to each other's stories and take their suffering into our hearts, carrying each other's burdens and wounds to Christ together, in faith and in lament, together."

Life is beautiful, precious, and fragile like these beautiful flowers. Today I felt as if these flowers were a gift of bright and happy life from God to remind me He is here with me as I grief. God is not far away or removed from my pain, but here with me, holding me. 

_____

There are no easy answers to my questions, no real answers at all. We only have the promise of hope and redemption through Jesus Christ, through the washing of baptism we become new creations, our home is not this world. 

I Can't Feel At Home In This World Anymore

This world is not my home I’m just-a-passing through
My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue
The angels beckon me from Heaven’s open door
And I can’t feel at home in this world anymore

Oh Lord you know I have no friend like you
If Heaven’s not my home oh Lord what would I do
The angels beckon me from Heaven’s open door
And I can’t feel at home in this world anymore

They’re all expecting me that’s one thing I know
I fixed it up with Jesus a long time ago
I know he’ll take me through though I am weak and poor
And I can’t feel at home in this world anymore

Just over in the gloryland there’ll be no dying there
The saints all shouting victory and singing everywhere
I hear the voice of those that’s gone on before
And I can’t feel at home in this world anymore